Domestic violence, enforced patriarchal roles, parenting complications, adjustment problems; is the Indian-originated joint-family system shielding people from the “abyss”?
How does Family Structure dominate one’s level of contentment?
The social
institution of family is known as the natural realm for nurturing and preserving
the fundamentals of spiritual and psychological peace. The level of contentment
is a matter of interest in nuclear and joint families and can be premeditated
by different criteria, such as financial conditions, the interconnection
between divergent age groups, marital adjustment levels, and so on.
In theory, the joint-family system serves as a
nerve center of integrity and joint action, with all family members living
under one roof to safeguard and comfort each other in crucial times. While many
seek to attain contentment by considering co-existing in a joint family as a
cultural obligation, many sociologists and other experts researched that large
families sharing confined spaces, having to spend most parts of the day together,
combined with the inability to escape, restricted communication skills, and
inability to resolve conflict, usually end up risking their bio-psycho-socio-emotional
well-being – that in majority cases, lead to physical and emotional abuse -
(How are we talking about CONTENTMENT here?!)
But - but My Ancestors Have Been Living in a Joint Family Since Coon’s Age, Why Is It a Gordian’s Knot now?
The practice
of large families sharing a common residence, kitchen, property, wealth, and
other resources in Pakistan and other South-Asian countries, is traced back to
pre-partition Hindu traditions – which I assume migrated with the other 15
million people to Pakistan, as a scarce custom. Little to no cultural
representation of women in the Indian sub-continent history – (Have you ever
read about women’s participation in the Mughal Era or the role of women in the 1947
partition?) - explains the role of women as objects of possession and means of
communication of retaliation between disputed groups of men, which provided insufficient
opposition to the joint family system in the region.
The lack of debate over women’s rights in pre-colonial
times was mainly monopolized by the religious monologue and the construction of
masculinities, subjecting women to all forms of intense patriarchal oppression.
This included restricting women from having ambitions beyond marriage, restricted
access to health information and services, sex-determination tests, sexual
exploitation, and so on. This despotism was mainly allied with the co-existing
of large families under one roof in the Indian subcontinent. Living in a joint
household created discriminated levels of socialization between genders, where
men were seen as the dominant individuals, mainly involved in management and
leadership roles, whereas women were seen as playing second-fiddle roles which
involved their lack of access to resources and decision-making.
The
reinforcement of the gender ideology in colonial times assisted the joint
family system to receive unquestioned social approval from people – including women!
– who were subjected to intense levels of violence and masculinity.
In the last
few years, there have been a few studies on diverse aspects of South-Asian
patriarchal values, stereotypical schools of thought, and violence against
women for constructing a gender-balanced society. The rise of the feminist
perspective and new paradigms of masculinity have surfaced in response to the
idea of forming an egalitarian society. Today, as compared to contemporary
times, women are becoming more literate on topics such as economic independence,
the role of gender in employment polarization, etc. which have invigorated them
to break the socio-cultural barriers of living in a joint household.
The
structural and functional changes in the traditional, Indian joint family
system and the conscience of maintaining it, were substantiated or challenged
by capitalism in the economic field, ideology, and rationalism. These
socio-economic changes accelerated the rate of urbanization compelling people
to live in nuclear families and pursue better standards of living.
The shocking reveal here is – the creation of the new socio-psychological,
as a result of industrialization, came into existence during the colonial times
in the Indian subcontinent - however, the emotional and physical abuse against
women in joint households remains perpetual, even today! (We are living in 2022;
even now, over one in four women are subjected to intimate partner violence and
subordination in non-nuclear families before 50!)
Feminist activism in Pakistan has brought the
problems of domestic violence against women in joint households to the vanguard
of policy dialogue on women’s liberation.
Have I Been Idealizing Kabhie Khushi Kabhi Gham’s Family the Right Way?
I, along
with many other zoomers in Pakistan have grown up watching (read:
hero-worshiping) the Bollywood blockbusters. They were the talk
of every household. The songs, characters, and themes were eye-catching.
Everything seemed impeccable about them – except that it wasn’t, and now when
it has come to the catbird seat, it cannot be unseen.
Karan Johar’s
(Indian filmmaker) films, mostly known for their unapologetic glamour and drama
have not only inspired the Indian culture but have also immensely imbued the
norms and traditions on the other side of the border. While KJo’s films are known
for their strong storylines and majestic locations, they never fail to portray the
setting of characters from a privileged perspective. Blockbusters like Kabhie
Khushi Kabhi Gham are all about treasuring patriarchy and glamourizing the
joint-family culture. Whilst the 2001 KJo film is known as the Bollywood necromancer,
it manifested (read: romanticized) the typical masculine head-of-the-household
behavior and the cultural symbolization of women – total submissiveness to
their husbands and the elders of the family – in a joint household.
The
patriarchal perspective associated with the family structure and other mores in
Indian cinema has been a constant source of fecundity for Pakistani filmmakers and
Drama production houses. The joint family culture has been customarily discerned
as a “comedic relief” element in Pakistani productions. Films like Punjab
Nahi Jaungi and Chalawa, and dramas like Suno Chanda, Aangan, Ishq Jalebi, Chaudhry
and Sons, and Chupke Chupke, are a manifest portrayal of the politics of
living in a joint household, bringing about a spate of inappropriate humor. The
glorification of joint household chaos and drama in these media
productions is setting new trends in the Pakistani rom-com genre – mainly
associated with cousin martial affairs (HOW ON EARTH DO THESE PEOPLE UNWITTINGLY
FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THEY ALREADY LIVE WITH?!).
With that
being said, the implied marriage contracts between families on the birth of
their children, in Pakistani rom-com, are rather delineated as an embodiment of
struggle, love, and sacrifice – a pure tearjerker – instead of biting
the bullet and acknowledging the consequences of these dysfunctional norms.
Are we enlivened
by the revival of Pakistani cinema? What are we celebrating?
-It’s just a bagatelle of using a joint washroom, why is this generation lacking “Compromise”?
The
sentimentalization of the media portrayals of the joint family system has taken
precedence over socially considered trivialities. The concept of Desi
marriage and the bride's moving into a joint family comes with a boatload of preposterous expectations and bargains. Matters which were formerly
(read: presently) contemplated as inconsequential issues (mind it – they can be
as hare-brained as letting the mother-in-law take the front car seat) by women
from the recent past, are treated as the basic standard for young women, today.
Women who are descried rebelling against these standards are often labeled as the
rare bird in society.
“-It’s just
a bagatelle of using a joint washroom, why is this generation lacking
“Compromise”?” – says aunty XYZ, who due to her precariousness and insecurities
- from her martial, joint family life - failed to recognize the disquiet women
face at the hands of desi marriage, let alone living in a joint
household. The bequeathing of these values in younger women, primarily in the
name of compromise and commitment, has challenged their nurturing and empowerment
– confining them as centers/institutions of nurturing and mothering for
other family members.
The sacred
practice of marriage in our patriarchal society is a manifestation of “settling
down” – often peer pressuring single (read: content) women to endure subordination
in contemplation of creating a “home” out of dysfunctional relationships/households.
For the most part, the subordination has necessitated women to “bargain”, which
predominantly constrains them to co-exist in a joint household.
The deadwood
of living in a joint family averts newlywed women from their basic
rights – which can be as trivial as traveling with your husband (alone),
using a separate washroom, having a say in your matters, keeping a check on
your (personal) items, entering a plea for family planning, and so on. The
cultural and social acceptance of the contravention of women’s rights has
conclusively fashioned the talking of heroic women as bagatelle.
How come you guys pull off to live alone (in a nuclear set-up) with your partner, and not wind-up slaying yourselves?!
The most
prevailing social narrative, advertised by women, on living in a joint family is
(plainly) the conception of living alone. The dread among women, of sharing
a bed and board - with their spouses - in a nuclear set-up, has ascended from
the idea of interdependency on not-so-nuclear family members to fill the
“void” in their marital relationships.
The inadequacy of young couples to conform themselves in a self-contained relationship, without the “assistance” (read: trespassing) of extended family members, has more to contribute to the distress surrounding the idea of living in a nuclear family. The stumbling block in this narrative lies not in the notion of young couples’ need for “space” in their relationships, but in their ineptitude to do the “inner work” and address the unhealed relationship wounds. The idea of living together in a joint family gives a false sense of security or serves as a pipe dream for many people. It provides emotional reassurance at the hands of extended family members, which hampers couples to seek comfort within themselves. This primarily happens when couples tend to stay within their “survival modes” (at the mercy of their extended family members) – which leaves them feeling baffled and getting emotionally triggered, and any possibility of moving into a nuclear set-up acts as a challenge to their emotional growth as a couple.
So, the next time you observe some women on a Facebook group or a random Instagram thread normalizing (read: glorifying) their past subordinating roles in a joint family - merely in the name of sacrifice or compromise and to abide by their unspoken covenants to the scarce socio-cultural norms – you know what to do.
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